Well, here it is...I am exactly 16 hours into my 5,280 diet of my lifetime and I am actually still breathing and have managed to stay out of the white cabinet above the stove. This is where all of the goodies are being held captive, that is until I pry into the cupboard in an attempt to fulfill one of my 15 minute cravings.
Do you believe that 15 minutes bullshit? Have you ever heard of it before? 15 minutes is all a craving lasts for and then your brain forgets what it was dying to have, according to a study of someone, somewhere, who was probably skinny and was craving rice cakes. Well, I don't believe it because:
A) My first craving came at about 10:00 this morning and it still with me at 10:06 this evening. I would love to dive head first into a HUGE bag of Cool Ranch Doritoes or eat a pound of chocolate. Key word here is I would love to...I have not done that yet, and my day is almost complete. That is besides the point because the craving is still here and, my, how it is definitely past 15 minutes.
B) I have craved junk food my whole life. I have given into these cravings and it is for this reason that I am sitting in front of this computer with a bottle of water, wishing it were a frosty mug with a cool Corona in it.
I am one of those people who struggles with weight and has to constantly be reminded of being fat by not having enough elbow room at the theatre, or how about having my outer thighs rub against the arms of a chair (you know those arms that are built into the chair to make it more relaxing...), or my favorite yet...waiting in line for a roller coaster and being "picked out of the crowd" to test the width of the seats only to be told your fat ass won't fit into them (or to be nice about it, "Sorry mam' we had to shorten the length of the seat belts in an attempt to keep our roller coaster safer.") Can you tell that the whole roller coaster thing has happened to me before?
Reality sunk in for me last night while I was fighting with my stomach, trying to tell it I was not full and the pain was not from over-eating. While I was having this argument, I stopped and analyzed what I had eaten at my picnic, and holy shit it was an enormous amount of food....drum roll please...
1. Crab salad with an enormous amount of mayo
2. A half pound cheeseburger on a huge roll
3. Baked beans with about 2 inches of grease on top
4. A hot dog on yet another huge roll
5. A bag of Cheetos (the little grab bag kind, not that it matters)
6. And to top it all off an old fashioned brownie sundae with Moose Tracks ice cream and plenty of whipped cream
7. 2 cups of coffee with full-fat flavored cream
Yup there it is, and to make things even better my sister-in-law-to-be showed me the potential brides-maid dresses that will some day (July of next year) be sucking the hell out of my fat rolls. Don't believe me, check them out here and here and also here. Don't get me wrong, the dresses are pretty, and will look great on most people, but not so much on me. I have nothing against my sister-in-law-to-be, in fact we have a great relationship and she is good for my brother. I do have something against me always feeling as if my fat body wasn't taken into consideration when looking at dresses, and that is my personal hang up. Then again, why should my body be brought up in conversation when it is her wedding day, right? I am the only full figured woman in the wedding party and am the only one who will have to order a plus size, so I guess others just don't think about these things and it's OK. It's my hang-up. I'll tell you what, I am sick of thinking about them and for once in my life I am going to try and establish a new way of looking at food. I should thank my sister-in-law-to-be for helping to put that fire underneath me. It also helps that my husband took some photos of me, so I could see how others view me, and I almost fell to my knees crying. The couch caught my body and my hands caught the tears. I guess I never thought of myself as being as big as I really am.
In any event, this is going to be my page where I vent about the troubles of a new eating lifestyle and one in which I will share my successes. This time it is going to be different....I hope!
Until next time, cheers to a new eating journal and pictures that will motivate me to begin the change my body has been waiting for.
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